the firm grip of anxiety

I feel smothered by anxiety lately.

An invisible python has coiled itself tightly around me, squeezing the life out of me, and I just stand there, paralyzed in fear.

Will it kill me?

Will I ever get out?

It’s snuffed out my confidence, my passion, my motivation.

Will I ever write with conviction again?

How does one write emphatically about a truth they haven’t embraced themselves?

I’ve noticed that lately, how I’m not sure of anything these days, a disconnect between the head and heart.

One can’t encourage unless they’ve been encouraged, inspire unless they’ve been inspired.

And I’m not.

I haven’t heard from God lately, and that bothers me. I find myself at a loss for words, my heart void of passion, and I don’t even know where to look for it.

I long to be connected, to move forward, to seek wisdom, to find confidence and speak boldly, but I’m stuck…

Self-doubt so heavy it’s exhausting. Standards so high they’re debilitating.

I know I just need to start somewhere, but where exactly would that be?

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the distance between our souls


Sometimes

It feels like there’s an ocean between us

Even though you’re only a few feet away

Like the little, bright screen is way more interesting than I,

Or the kids, for that matter, could ever be

You’re too plugged in to talk

Too stuck in a habit to change

To look at me

To listen to me

Without calling you at least 5 times first

And I want to say something

To break the silence

It’s on the tip of my tongue

Heavy

Suspended there

But I stop in fear.

I’m afraid that if I finally speak it aloud

If I call it for what it is

This autopilot existence

And we finally look at each other

And we finally really see

That there will be nothing left to talk about.