Unwanted

images

For most of my life I’ve loathed talking on the phone, and I have a special hatred for any type of phone call that involves making an appointment. I don’t know why—the only explanation I can offer is it must be some sort of introvert thing.

I can type all day long from behind a computer screen. In fact, if I could type everything in life, I would, because my handwriting borders illegible chicken scratch at times. And, it’s so much faster.

I don’t mind texting either, because I don’t have to talk to you. I can get back to you when it’s convenient and keep my answers short and to the point, and I can edit if need be. And also: emojis. Who doesn’t love those.

But conversing on the phone…

I remember standing by the kitchen counter in the house where I grew up, and I was probably about 13 at the time. Fingers drumming on the light blue checkered countertop, foot propped on a stool, agonizing about a phone call. My mother had informed me, as she stood there chopping cucumbers on the other side of the counter, that I was old enough to schedule my own appointments, and she wanted me to call the dentist. All by myself.

I’m not sure how long it took me, but I remember just staring at that phone, like it might come to life and stab me were I to pick it up. I kept thinking if I waited long enough, my mother would relent and do it herself. But no, she was black-belt stubborn and more then willing to wait me out. I think she rather enjoyed it, actually. The anxiety I felt in the pit of my stomach that day over the mere thought of the phone call, well, that has never fully gone away.

I always have a mental stack of appointments waiting for me to pick up the phone. It’s a one-step-forward-two-steps-back kind of relationship we have, where every once in a while I will taste the victory of physically dialing and getting one of them out of the way, but there’s a handful more that need addressed.

My daughter and I both have cavities that need filled and eye doctor appointments that need scheduled. Glasses need ordered and I need to fit in a well-check from April. I also have a tooth in the back of my mouth that needs a crown. It has for years. But I had another crown done, and it was one of the most traumatic dental experiences of my life, so I’ve avoided not only the phone call but the procedure itself like a McDonald’s Playland during flu season.

There’s nothing quite like looking at yourself in the mirror, after enduring what seemed like ceaseless drilling, to see all that’s left of your front tooth is a little bloody stump. Talk about self-image issues. Now, that said, I know the dead tooth in the back of my mouth can crack in half at any time and I may very much regret not making that dreaded phone call…

Kind of like the vasectomy appointment I was supposed to make for my husband, you know, anytime over the last two and a half years. I had the number from my OB, then we moved and I lost the number. I’ve been meaning to call and get the number for over a year, and now… Well, now it’s too late.

Because I found out a couple days ago that I’m pregnant. To say it was a shock is an understatement. We’ve been careful, although with anything short of a permanent solution, I know there’s always a chance.

I could just kick myself for not making that phone call, but I guess I have at least another nine months to get the appointment in now.

What bothers me the most, though, is the sad reality this baby was unwanted.

We were done.

I gave away my maternity clothes. I gave the baby clothes with baseballs and “I’m Handsome” embroidery to my sister and the baby clothes with flowers, frills and lace to a friend at church. We garage-saled our high chair and strollers, passed on our baby swing and toys and knick-knacks. I changed a diaper in the nursery at church this weekend and thought, thank God we are past that stage…

I started exercising this year, for the first time in a decade, doing my best to curb the “get pregnant – get huge – have the baby – breastfeed and loose the weight – stop breastfeeding but still eat like you are – get chubby – get pregnant again to hide the fact that you’re getting chubby – repeat,” cycle. And although I sufficiently curbed the “get chubby” part this time, I still managed to get myself pregnant again.

The sex was worth it. Oh my, was it worth it. It was some of the best in a long time, and I certainly wanted it. But I didn’t want the next nine months, although, clearly, I was not thinking about that at the time.

I find myself now, however, ashamed of how I feel. Because even though a fantastic act of love brought this baby into existence, its presence feels like a burden. And I feel immense guilt for that. The two minutes spent waiting for pregnancy test results when the baby is unwanted feels like an agonizing two years. And then, instead of joy, the aftermath is panic.

And I’m afraid. That’s the crux of the matter—I’m afraid and doing a terrible job of trusting God right now. I’m afraid that my bladder is going to fall out because I already pee my pants a little when I try to run. Jumping jacks and burpees are fine, but running… And that in and of itself makes me so sad, because I used to love to run. I used to be able to run.

I’ve been doing Kegels like a mad woman recently, but I’m afraid it’s not going to be enough and I’m going to have to be all propped up in there and wear Depends like an 80 year old woman by the time I’m 40. The thought of it terrifies me.

I’m afraid that while I’m mad at that little baby in there for “messing up” the rest of my year and turning my world upside down, for making me sick and huge and tired, that it will die, and I will have been mad for the short while it was with me. That I will spend the rest of my life regretting that.

I’m afraid of the pain, not only having to endure the pain of childbirth, again, but the pain of the unknown. The pain of your heart being multiplied again, of it being so small and vulnerable. The pain of possibly not developing correctly, the pain of complications, the pain of being ripped open and sewn back up, the pain of recovery, and the pain of sacrifice—sleep, sanity, and my very life. The pain of another life-long labor of love that is motherhood.

I’m afraid of losing my mind. Full-blown straight jacket crazy. I already feel like I’m going to lose it now, with four kids, and we are adding another one. I said that to my husband the other night as we sat on the couch, our kids running circles around the house and screaming as they darted past us with pieces of the train track in hand, probably about to chuck them at each other. He just pursed his lips and nodded slowly, methodically, and then he finally said, “well, if you do, we can’t afford to put you anywhere nice…”

So the county psych ward it is. Lock me up and call me Clementine.

Anne Lamott says, “when a child comes out of your body, it arrives with about a fifth of your brain clutched in its little hand, like those babies born clutching IUDs.” So basically, seeing as how this is baby number 5, I’m officially screwed. There will be nothing left. If you should need anything from me that requires my mental faculties being intact, ask quick. Your time is limited.

Then there’s the family reactions. The fact that most of them thought four was plenty… The comments that will surely come, like “haven’t you guys figured out how this works yet?” Well, yes, we have. Quite well, as a matter of fact, and that’s part of the problem. I can’t keep him off of me. That’s what I’m going to start saying to people, anyhow. Maybe that will shut them up.

What it comes down to is I want to find the joy in all this, because I really don’t have a choice anymore. I’m officially stuck, like it or not, so I might as well like it. Right?

I have a friend who is on the “however many children you want to give us is fine, God” birth control plan (i.e. no birth control). Six kids later I believe they are beginning to rethink this stance, but she’s always said to me, whenever they found out they were expecting, again, that “God chose to give us another gift, so what can we really say but thank you?”

I want to feel that way, and I know I will once I gaze upon that tiny little babe face-to-face. I know I will think it was all worth it, like I always have, but I don’t want to take nine months to get there. Because right now I just feel sad and scared. I feel overwhelmed and I want to cry all the time.

And nobody knows, so I feel alone. Alone and unprepared. Maybe that’s why I’m telling you.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s